Who can you trust?
Saturday 28th June 2008
Ever felt like you were losing it? That you'd let one thought eat away at you until it felt like you'd nothing left to give? In May 2005, that's just how I felt. Jumpy, weepy, cross, clingy, needy, but most of all, stuck between a rock and a hard place. Because I knew that one of two things was happening. Either I was losing it. Or my boyfriend had been unfaithful.
Back in November 2004, things had been very different. For one thing my boyfriend, Ross Cleveland, 23, and I were really happy. I'd fallen for his blue eyes and silly sense of humour soon after we'd met in October 2003. Three months later, he'd moved into my two-bedroom flat with me and my daughter, Chloe, 2. Since she'd been born, I hadn't had much of a social life, but Ross would offer to babysit so I could go out now and again.
One of my party friends was Jenny Mason, 17, who I worked with in Woolworths. She was five years younger than me, chubby where I was slim, and brunette, not blonde like me. But we got on brilliantly. On Saturdays, we'd get ready at mine and hit the bars in town, and on weeknights, she'd pop in for a cuppa or a glass of wine.
Then, in June 2004, Ross ran me a candlelit bath and popped the question with a diamond ring. I couldn't wait to get to work the next day and share my news.
'That's brilliant,' Jenny grinned. 'I'm so happy for you.'
She was always so excited about things. But that August, she turned up on my doorstep with a long face. She'd fallen out with her mum and needed somewhere to stay.
'You don't mind her staying for a bit?' I asked Ross.
'Nah,' he said. 'Jenny's all right.'
So she slept on the settee. It was nice having Jenny around, but when she made up with her mum and moved back home, I couldn't help feeling pleased. We got back into the old routine — going out on Saturday nights and Jenny popping round for a glass of wine or two. But then, one night, a glass turned into a bottle. And then another. And another. The next thing we knew, it was 12.30am and we were both worse for wear.
'Look at the state of you both,' Ross laughed. He'd only been drinking Coke. 'I'll drive you home.'
'Cheers love,' I said, giving him a saucy wink. 'I'll be waiting for you in bed.'
Which set me and Jenny off again. I could still hear her laughing as I walked down the hallway to our bedroom.
But half-an-hour later, Ross still wasn't back. What's taking him so long? I tried his mobile, but it rang out. I tried to call again and again. Why wasn't he answering? What could they be doing? A thought popped into my head but I tried to push it back out. He wouldn't do that to me. She wouldn't do that to me...
But by the time Ross walked into the bedroom at 1.15am, 45 minutes after he left, I'd worked myself into a frenzy.
'What the hell have you been doing?' I yelled.
'The police pulled me over because they noticed a crack in my windscreen,' he said.
'You've been at it with Jenny!' I screamed.
'What?' he snapped, looking shocked. 'I'd never cheat on you.'
Maybe I was overreacting.
'Do you believe me?' he asked.
I took a deep breath.
'Yes,' I said.
But my stomach was churning. Did I really believe him?
The next morning, I managed a smile as I kissed Ross goodbye, but the sick feeling was still there. As I made breakfast for Chloe, I ran the events of the night before over and over in my head. But how could Ross fancy her? She was podgy with dull hair.
'Pull yourself together,' I told myself, hoping I'd snap out of it.
But you know what? I couldn't. For six months, that nagging doubt ate away at me. I'd never mentioned it to Ross again. He would only deny it. But any trust had gone.
And as for Jenny? Even her name made me sick, so I ignored her calls until she stopped trying. This doubt had caused me to lose a friend and left my relationship in tatters, but I still couldn't let it lie. I had to know the truth and, in May 2005, with Ross at work and Chloe at nursery, I finally came up with a way to find out for sure. I logged onto the MSN account that Ross and I shared. Jenny was online.
Hi Jenny. It's Ross. Leanne's at work.
I stared at the little box on the screen, waiting for a reply.
Hi Ross!
My heart started to race. She was falling for it.
I wanted to tell you I think you're beautiful. When can I see you? I've missed you.
Each comment I sent got a flirty response, but as my blood boiled, I knew this was still not proof enough. I knew I had to ask something to get to the bottom of what had gone on that night.
It's been so long since we had sex! I wrote, hands trembling. I can't even remember when it was.
I didn't have to wait long to find out.
In your car that night, silly!
For a second, I felt relief.
There was the proof that what I'd been thinking for the last six months was true.
Ross had cheated. With my friend.
'The b*****d!' I screamed, grabbing my car keys.
In five minutes, I was pulling up outside the office where Ross worked for a lost luggage company and quickly spotted him.
'I know you slept with her!' I shrieked. 'She admitted it.'
He looked back at me, stunned.
'That's not true,' he insisted.
'She fancied me, that's all, and kept trying it on.
'I didn't want to tell you in case it broke up your friendship.'
Another lie?
Maybe, but this time I wasn't just going to take his word for it, so I drove to Jenny's.
'What are you doing here?' she asked, clearly surprised.
'You slept with Ross, didn't you?' I snapped.
She looked just as shocked as Ross had.
'How did you find out?' she mumbled. 'Leanne, I'm so sorry.'
I felt sick as she explained how that night, while I'd been climbing into bed, Ross had been coming onto her, flirting with her.
Worse, they'd had sex in his car at the side of the road.
'I was so drunk,' she said. 'I've regretted it ever since.'
'I can't believe you did this to me,' I said, storming out.
Back home, I was in floods of tears as I grabbed a suitcase and threw Ross's clothes inside. Ten minutes later, he arrived home.
'It's over,' I said. 'Jenny told me the truth. Please be gone before I get back.'
I stormed out the door and when I returned, four hours later, the flat was empty. That night, while Chloe slept, I sat alone on the couch.
'I was right all along,' I said to myself.
I'd never felt so low. So, the next day, when Ross came round, I let him in.
'Look,' he said, taking my hands. 'I didn't cheat. Jenny wanted to, but I said no.'
I was so confused, and later on, Jenny called.
'I lied,' she said. 'I wanted Ross, but he didn't want me.'
I thought back to the day he'd proposed… and rang him.
'I think you should move back in,' I said.
But that same old doubt was there. It just ate away at me.
Just over two years later, the jealously and lack of trust tore us apart again.
And guess what? Even as he was packing to leave, he didn't have the guts to admit what he'd done with Jenny. But it didn't matter — I knew the truth. I always had. All these years, I'd been trusting Ross rather than my instincts.
That's one mistake I won't be making again.
Jenny says: 'I did have sex with him in the car, but nothing happened after that. I know it was bad, and I understand why she wants to get back at me — it's the least I deserve.'
Ross says: 'The stuff about sleeping with Jenny — it's all true. I was stupid and I wasn't ready to be tied down. I've moved on now, and I think it's time Leanne did, too.'