I wanted to give a baby back
Sunday 22nd February 2009
Flat on my back on the scanning table, my 34-week bump pointed at the ceiling as the nurse prepared the ultrasound machine.
'I'm looking forward to seeing my toes again,' I laughed.
I was only joking. I enjoyed being pregnant, so much so, this was my seventh time. I just loved the feeling of something growing inside me.
'The hard part is when they arrive,' I'd always said.
But this time around, all the nappy changing wouldn't be down to me. I wasn't about to give birth to my own baby, but to a surrogate one. It all started one night when I saw a documentary about surrogacy and found myself welling up.
'It's so sad,' I'd said to my husband, Derek, 45, remembering my stillborn son, Jay, who I'd given birth to in June 2000. It had broken my heart, but I still had Daniel, 12, Ebony, 10, Emma, 7, and had gone on to have Rosa, 4. With four kids, I couldn't imagine what it would be like to be denied a child at all.
Searching 'surrogacy' on the internet, I found hundreds of couples who were desperate to be parents, while all around me was evidence of my own happy family. Trainers piled up by the back door, paintings stuck to the fridge…Derek and I hadn't decided against having more children in the future but I just couldn't get those couples out of my head. So, I signed up to a chat site, where I met Susan and John, who lived 30 miles away.
'They've been trying for eight years,' I told Derek over dinner. 'I want to offer to be a surrogate.'
'Are you sure?' he spluttered.
I'd already been pregnant five times and had had three Caesarean sections. And could I give up a baby after nine months?
'What if you get ill?' Derek worried. 'What about our kids?'
But my mind was made up.
'I know it won't be easy,' I vowed. 'But it will be worth it.'
Derek agreed to meet Susan and John with me. They were in their early forties, with good jobs, and their place was filled with fancy furniture and photographs of them on exotic holidays.
'It's lovely,' I smiled, sitting down on the settee. At our place, you were more likely to sit on a Stickle Brick than a plumped cushion. Except…
'We'd swap it all for a baby,' Susan whispered, her eyes welling up.
By the time we left, even Derek was moved.
'I think you should do it,' he said.
So a few days later, John handed me a plastic cup and a syringe, and I went up to their spare room and did what I had to do. Just three tries later, I was pregnant. Of course, it wasn't all as simple.
'I could never give a baby away,' I heard one mum mutter at the school gates.
'I'm not giving a baby away,' I replied. 'I'm giving it back.'
Yes, it was my egg, fertilised by John's sperm, but I felt 100 per cent that it was Susan and John's baby. I was just keeping it warm for them. I was given money to cover my expenses but, apart from that, I wasn't paid. And when I gave birth by Caesarean section, just seeing the look of pure love on Susan's face as she held her new son, Jamie, felt amazing.
He looked like my kids, born with a mop of dark hair, but I knew he was her little boy. And I really did feel as if I was giving her baby back. In fact, it worked out so well, four months after giving birth, I was inseminated again.
'Shouldn't you give your body a break?' Derek asked, concerned.
'I'll be fine. It won't work first time,' I replied.
Wrong. I fell pregnant straight away and now, 34 weeks later, I was ready to give birth to Jamie's sister. I closed my eyes and relaxed as the scanner roamed over my belly. No nerves for me, I was a pro. But perhaps that was why I could feel the calm silence turn awkward. When I opened my eyes, a doctor was there.
'The placenta is attached to the scar tissue from your previous Caesareans,' he said. 'We'll need to keep an eye on you. Try not to worry.'
But by the time I got home and phoned Susan, I was panicking.
'Just take care of yourself,' she said.
Hanging up, I stroked my bump.
'I'll get you back to your mum and dad in one piece,' I whispered.
After a nervous week, I was back on the scanning table. Then Derek and I were taken to a meeting room. The doctor explained a hole had appeared in my uterus. If we didn't get the baby out, it would rupture.
'We need to do it as soon as possible,' he added. 'The baby's in serious trouble.'
My heart pounded. My body had delivered five healthy babies, created two families. It seemed unbelievable that there would be a problem now. But the doctor wasn't finished…
'Your life is also in danger,' he said.
Derek gasped. This was what he'd worried about all along. In trying to have kids for someone else, would I leave our own without a mum?
'We need to contact Susan and John straight away,' I said shakily.
Derek rang and told them I'd be delivering the next day.
'When I've been admitted, can you bring the kids to visit?' I asked him.
I was positive I'd never see them again. But I kept that to myself as I kissed them goodnight. When they were gone, my doctor brought in a load of forms.
'We need you to sign these,' he said. 'If things go badly, we might need to give you a full hysterectomy.'
I couldn't hide my despair.
'Even if things go well,' he added, 'I recommend we sterilise you. Another pregnancy will kill you.'
I blinked back the tears. I'd never be a mum again. Not for me, or anyone else. The next morning, Susan and John arrived looking terrified. I needed a general anaesthetic and they weren't allowed in the labour room like before. Dosed up with drugs, it was all I could do to give Susan a weak smile before everything went black.
When I came to, two hours later, there was one thing on my mind.
'The baby?' I croaked.
'She's fine,' the nurse replied. 'She's safe and healthy.'
Thank goodness. She told me she was out in the feeding room with Derek, Susan and John. They'd named her Amy. As relief hit me, I didn't think to ask about how I was doing. I soon found out though.
'We did sterilise you,' my doctor explained. 'But thankfully, we didn't have to do a hysterectomy.'
I was numb with shock as he explained that my uterus was moments away from rupturing. If they hadn't operated so soon, both Amy and I would have died. It didn't bear thinking about. Then I met Amy. Only 4lb 15oz, she was so tiny, I couldn't see if she looked like any of my other children, but she was beautiful. As I celebrated her safe arrival, though, part of me was mourning for all the babies I'd never have. For three days, Amy and I stayed in hospital together. My last precious days with the last baby I'd ever have. When it was time to leave, I knew it would be goodbye forever. Little Amy slept soundly in her carry cot, while Susan, John and I were the ones crying like babies.
'Thank you,' Susan sobbed. 'For everything.'
Back at home, I took it easy while Derek helped look after the kids.
'I'm sorry I put us through this,' I said that night.
'I'm just glad you're OK,' he replied.
'Me too,' I whispered.
Just over a year later, I'm as busy as ever with the kids and I don't hear from Susan and John. I gave them a family and it's important they enjoy it. But I do hope one day Jamie and Amy will want to get to know me. I feel happy that I've made another family so happy. And despite the fact I'll never be able to have any more kids of my own, I wouldn't swap it
for the world.
For more on surrogacy, visit www.uksurrogatefamiliesonline.co.uk