rondetto
member
Reged: 23/11/2007
Posts: 110
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A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away.
The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for £5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for £150."
The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend £5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only £150?"
The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."
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KirstyLouise
member
Reged: 17/05/2008
Posts: 11
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Lol hahaha!
I like it 
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~Kirsty~
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rondetto
member
Reged: 23/11/2007
Posts: 110
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Thanks Kirstie:
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When i get to heaven I will ask Jonah."
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him?"
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Chelsie
member
Reged: 03/05/2008
Posts: 8
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i got one:
A Year two class are learning about the word definitely. The teacher asks them to put their hands up and say a sentence with definitely in. Three children put their hands up. The teacher points to one. He says, "The sky is definitely blue." The techer tells him that it is not always blue. The next one, a girl, says, "Water is definitely clear." Again, the teacher tells her it's wrong. The teacher points to the final boy who asks: "Are farts lumpy?"
"No" the teacher replies.
"Then I've definitely pooed my pants."
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rondetto
member
Reged: 23/11/2007
Posts: 110
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Good one Chelsie, keep em' coming.
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Chelsie
member
Reged: 03/05/2008
Posts: 8
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Okey dokey.
A little boy goes up to a priest after a sermon. He asks whether God is male or female. The priest, who didn't have a clue, said, "God is both."
The boy then asks if God is black or white. The priest says he is both. The boy finally asks if God is gay or straight. Again the priest says both.
The young boy starts screaming and running around the church, storming outside and laying on the ground crying. When asked what was wrong, he replied, "God is Michael Jackson!"
(No offence if you like Michael Jackson)
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KirstyLouise
member
Reged: 17/05/2008
Posts: 11
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Lol haha am liking that!
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~Kirsty~
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rondetto
member
Reged: 23/11/2007
Posts: 110
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An American walks into an Irish pub and says, "I'll give anyone $100 if they can drink 10 Guinness's in 10 minutes." Most people just ignore the absurd bet and go back to their conversations. One guy even leaves the bar. A little while later that guy comes back and asks the American, "Is that bet still on?" "Sure." So the bartender lines 10 Guinness's up on the bar the Irishman drinks them all in less than 10 minutes. As the American hands over the money he asks, "Where did you go when you just left?" The Irishman answers, "I went next door to the other pub to see if I could do it."
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annie135
member
Reged: 04/06/2008
Posts: 11
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A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her
pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the
bird's chest.After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said,
'I'm so sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away.' The distressed owner
wailed, 'Are you sure'? 'Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead,' he replied.
'How can you be so sure'? she protested. 'I mean, you haven't done any
testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something.'The
vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few
moments later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked
on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the
examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom . He then looked
at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog and
took it out, and returned a few moments later with a cat. The cat jumped up
on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird from head to foot. The
cat sat back on it haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out
of the room.The vet looked at the woman and said, 'I'm sorry, but as I
said, this is most definitely, 100 percent certifiably, a dead duck.' Then
the vet turned to his computer terminal hit a few keys and produced a bill,
which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the
bill. '£150!' she cried. '£150 just to tell me my duck is dead'? 'The vet
shrugged. I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have
been £20, but with the lab report and the cat scan, it's now £150.' 
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annie135
member
Reged: 04/06/2008
Posts: 11
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How to Tell the Sex of a Fly
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her
husband stalking around with a fly swatter
'What are you doing?'
She asked.
'Hunting Flies'
He responded.
'Oh. ! Killing any?'
She asked.
'Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,' he replied.
Intrigued, she asked.
'How can you tell them apart?'
He responded,
'3 were on a beer can,
2 were on the phone
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rondetto
member
Reged: 23/11/2007
Posts: 110
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Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator
"This is really a lovely horse, I once rode her mother."
David Coleman
"Moses Kiptanui - the 19 year old Kenyan, who turned 20 a few weeks ago"
Murray Walker
"We now have exactly the same situation as we had at the start of the race, only exactly the opposite"
RTE's George Hamilton on Spain manager Luis Suarez's substitution of Butragueno during their world cup qualifier with Ireland in Seville,1992
"He's pulling him off! The Spanish manager is pulling his captain off!"
Crystal Palace chairman Ron Noades, speaking in 1991
"The black players at this club lend the side a lot of skill and flair, but you also need white players in there to balance things up and give the team some brains and some common sense."
Ian Rush
On the difficulties of adjusting to playing football and living in Italy: "It was like being in a foreign country"
John Arlott
"Bill Frindal has done a bit of mental arithmetic with a calculator"
Peter Lorenzo
"Hodge scored for Forest after 22 seconds - totally against the run of play"
Ian McNail
"We actually got the winner three minutes from the end but then they equalized"
Winston Bennett
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body"
Murray Walker
"The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it which is identical"
Greg Norman
"I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father"
Alan Minter
"Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing - but none of them serious"
John Francombe
"The racecourse is as level as a billiard ball"
Terry Venables
"If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again"
Noel O' Mahony, Cork City boss before the game in Munich
"We'll still be happy if we lose. It's on at the same time as the Beer Festival"
Ron Atkinson
"I would not say he (David Ginola) is the best left winger in the Premiership, but there are none better."
Ron Atkinson
"He dribbles a lot and the opposition don't like it - you can see it all over their faces."
Ron Atkinson
"I never comment on referees and I'm not going to break the habit of a lifetime for that prat."
Ian Wright - commenting on his teammate's alcoholism
"It took a lot of bottle for Tony (Adams) to own up."
Harry Carpenter - BBC TV Boat Race 1977
Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the Cambridge president is kissing the cox of the Oxford crew."
David Vine
"Here we are in the Holy Land of Israel - a Mecca for tourists."
David Coleman
"Morcelli has four fastest 1500-metre times ever. And all those times are at 1500 metres."
Metro Radio
"Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."
David Coleman
"Her time is about 4.33, which she's capable of."
Chris Eubank, replying to "Have you ever thought of writing your autobiography?":
"On what ?"
Grand National winning jockey Mark Fitzgerald.
"Sex is an anti-climax after that !"
Ruud Gullit
"To play Holland, you have to play the Dutch."
Ron Atkinson
"Well , either side could win it, or it could be a draw."
John Motson
"For those of you watching in black and white, Spurs are in the all-yellow strip"
David Acfield
"Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for even longer."
Stuart Hall - Radio 5 live
"What will you do when you leave football, Jack - will you stay in football?"
Mark Draper - Aston Villa
"I'd like to play for an Italian club, like Barcelona"
David Coleman at The Montreal Olympics
"There goes Juantorena down the back straight, opening his legs and showing his class"
David Coleman at the start of Match of The Day
"And for those of you who watched the last programme (Fanny and Johnny Craddock), I hope all your doughnuts turn out like Fanny's"
John Arlott
"...and Ray Illingworth is relieving himself in front of the pavilion"
Gary McCord on the greens at Augusta
"These greens are so fast they must bikini wax them"
David Coleman
"This evening is a very different evening from the morning that we had this morning"
Murray Walker
"...and Mark Blundell stops with his front wheels stationary"
Radio 5 Live: Jeremy Vine:
"So your autobiography is out in paperback. What's it about?"
Radio 1: Simon Bates:
"So your name's Mohammed? That's one of the most popular Christian names in the world."
USTV commentator
"One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee-shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them - Oh my God, what have I just said?"
Channel 4 interview
Zoe Ball: "So tell us, what this is exactly..."
Guest: "It's a matchstick model of Cardiff Arms Park"
Zoe Ball: "Wow! That's amazing. What's it made out of?"
Guest: "Err... matchsticks."
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rondetto
member
Reged: 23/11/2007
Posts: 110
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Bubbles and Barbie, two blonde Essex girls, had promised their uncle, who had been a seafaring gentleman all his life, to bury him at sea when he died. Of course, in due time, he did pass away, and the two blondes kept their promise.
They set off from the pier, with their uncle all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto their rowboat. After a while, Bubbles says, "Do you think we're out far enough, Barbie?"
Barbie slipped over the side, and finding the water only knee deep said, "Nope, not yet, Bubbles."
So they rowed a little farther.... Again Bubbles asked Barbie, "Do you think were out far enough now?"
Once again Barbie slipped over the side and almost immediately said, "No, this will never do, the water is only up to my chest."
So on they rowed and rowed and rowed - finally Barbie slipped over the side and disappeared. Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Bubbles was really getting worried, when suddenly Barbie broke the surface.
Gasping for breath she said, "OK, it's finally deep enough. Hand me the shovel."
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annie135
member
Reged: 04/06/2008
Posts: 11
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There is a very, very tall coconut tree and there are 4 animals, a Lion, a chimpanzee, a Giraffe, and a Squirrel, who pass by. They decide to compete to see who is the fastest to get a banana off the tree.
Who do you guess will win? Your answer will reflect your personality.. So think carefully . . . Try and answer within 30 seconds. Got your answer?
Now scroll down to see the analysis.
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If your answer is:
Lion = you're dull.
Chimpanzee = you're a moron.
Giraffe = you're a complete idiot.
Squirrel = you're just hopelessly stupid.
A COCONUT TREE DOESN'T HAVE BANANAS.
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annie135
member
Reged: 04/06/2008
Posts: 11
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I urgently needed a few days off work, But, I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave.
I thought that maybe if I acted "Crazy" then he would tell me to take a few days off.
So, I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises.
My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing.
I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb, So, that the Boss might think I was "Crazy" and give me a few days off.
A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked, "What in the name of good GOD are you doing?"
I told him I was a light bulb.
He said, "You are clearly stressed out."
Go home and recuperate for a couple of days."
I jumped down and walked out of the office...
When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her, "..And where do you think you're going?!"
She said, "I'm going home too. I can't work in the dark "
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rondetto
member
Reged: 23/11/2007
Posts: 110
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A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a £30,000 loan to take a holiday."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow £30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."
She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
(You're gonna love this)
(A masterpiece)
(Here it comes)
The bank manager looks back at her and says ..
"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack.
Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
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rondetto
member
Reged: 23/11/2007
Posts: 110
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ADULT:
A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
BEAUTY PARLOR:
A place where women curl up and dye.
CANNIBAL:
Someone who is fed up with people.
CHICKENS:
The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
COMMITTEE:
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
DUST:
Mud with the juice squeezed out.
EGOTIST:
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
GOSSIP:
A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.
HANDKERCHIEF:
Cold Storage.
INFLATION:
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
MOSQUITO:
An insect that makes you like flies better.
RAISIN:
Grape with a sunburn.
SECRET:
Something you tell to one person at a time.
SKELETON:
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.
TOOTHACHE:
The pain that drives you to extraction.
TOMORROW:
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
YAWN:
An honest opinion openly expressed.
WRINKLES:
Something other people have. You have character lines.
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rondetto
member
Reged: 23/11/2007
Posts: 110
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A man appears before St. Peter at the pearly gates.
"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asks.
"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offers.
"On a trip to the Snowdon, in North Wales, I came upon a gang of macho bikers who were threatening a young woman.
I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen.
So I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker I smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the ground, and told him, 'Leave her alone now or you'll answer to me.'"
St. Peter was impressed. "When did this happen?"
"Just a couple minutes ago."
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rondetto
member
Reged: 23/11/2007
Posts: 110
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Murphy goes to the church revival and listens to the preacher. After a while, the preacher asks anyone with needs to come forward and be prayed over. Murphy gets in line.
When it's his turn the preacher says, "Murphy, what you want me to pray about?"
Murphy says, "Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing."
So the preacher puts one finger in Murphy's ear and the other hand on top of his head and prays a while.
After a few minutes, he removes his hands and says, "Murphy, how's your hearing now?"
Murphy says, "I don't know preacher, it's not until next Wednesday in Dublin."
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rondetto
member
Reged: 23/11/2007
Posts: 110
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The following are actual statements found on insurance forms where car drivers attempted to summarize the details of an accident in the fewest words:
Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.
The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions.
I thought my windows were down but I found out it was up when I put my head through it.
I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.
A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.
In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.
I had been driving for 40 years when I feel asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.
As I approached the intersection, a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident. To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.
My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.
An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
I told the police that I was not injured but on removing my hat, I found that I had a fractured skull.
I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him. The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run so I ran over him.
I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentlemen as he bounced off the hood of my car.
The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.
The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of its way when it struck my front end.
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annie135
member
Reged: 04/06/2008
Posts: 11
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Blonde Logic that works!!!!
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive
double-pane energy efficient kind. But this week I got a call from the
contractor complaining that his work had been completed a whole year ago
and I hadn't paid for them.
Boy oh boy, did we go around! Just because I'm blonde, doesn't mean that
I am automatically stupid. So, I proceeded to tell him just what his
fast talking sales guy had told me... that in one year the windows would
pay for themselves.
There was silence on the other end, so I just hung up, and I haven't heard
back from him.
Guess I won that stupid argument. 
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